Monday, July 5, 2010

Ok, so I've had 12 days off from work.  I went to Pigeon Forge, Tn and had a great time in a beautiful condo.  So why have I been so depressed since I got back on Thursday?  I have everything anyone could want.  I'm so blessed, yet for the past two days I have been in bed the majority of the time and have done nothing.  I feel like I'm so alone and I am because I isolate myself.  I have not wanted to see or talk to anyone since Saturday.  This is a miserable existance.  That's all I'm doing is existing.  I'm not living.  Other people go and do new things all the time yet I am standing still.  Why?  I wish I knew.  But this has been the cycle I've lived since my early teen years.  I'm so sick of it.  I'm so tired of wasting my life.  I know in my head, that I only have one life to live, yet it's more than half over and I've done absolutely nothing with it.  It seems there is no light at the end of this long long dark tunnel.  In the past few years I have lost many friends because of my depression.  I simply don't have anything or any 'energy' to give to a relationship or a friendship.  My whole life is consumed by work and sadness.  Sadness and work, nothing else.  I lie, I have someone else to take care of and it is completely draining.  It is not a healthy relationship.  I hope that one day I will wake up and will be able to take control of my feelings and my life and begin to enjoy it.  There is no joy in my life right now.  Nor is there any peace inside.  I am constantly in a state of fatigue and depression.  Please wake up Freida,  you don't have much more time I tell myself, but as of yet, Freida hasn't listened to any positive self-talk.  Does Freida really want to wake up or is she just waiting to die and have it all over with?

I will regret sharing this later...but isn't this what a blog is for?

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